Don't Panic , I am Mostly Harmless

Rejuvenation and all

2012-02-29T12:10:00.000+05:30

Rejuvenation - I did not even know how to spell it about a couple of months ago. I had to send about 6-7 emails with that word in it and hence finally got around to write it with the right spelling the first time around.

I am getting rejuvenated, at least that is what my company wants me to do. They want everyone who completes 4 years in the organization to do so. So, they give 4 weeks paid vacation. You have to take it all in one go. This is apart from the usual annual leaves, public holidays, RH, carry overs etc.

This is my third week into rejuvenation and finally, I got the time to sit and write something! Its quite amazing how any free time gets hogged up. Its like vacuum waiting to be filled. I wanted to travel a lot in these holidays. So far I have not went out of Bangalore yet. I am very annoyed that it is the case, but then, as I grow up, I end up having responsibilities that I should not walk away from.

There used to be a time when I was proud of my free time. I used to loudly proclaim, "I am free. I have nothing to do right now. I am planning to do nothing for the rest of the day, hell, week." and deliver on what I proclaimed. Gone are those days. I am now one of those people I never thought I was capable of being - hardworking!

However, these past couple of weeks, I have managed to steal sometime to do simple things like go to a few old libraries, checkout a couple of parks, figure out how to operate my camera and write some small stories. I have managed to stay away from writing code for almost 10 days now. I have caught up with friends old and new. I have spent time with my family and especially with my niece.

All in all, it has been a very good time so far, hectic, but good. Now, all I need is sometime to be a slob that I was and sit and do nothing for a week. I am hoping to get that done next week. Agumbe, Mangalore or Hyderabad it is going to be. Lets see.

IPL is not for me

2011-04-30T02:02:00.000+05:30

I just came back from a Bangalore-Pune IPL match. Bangalore won. Being a stern Bangalore fan, I should feel very happy right? I did not even feel like standing up and appreciating the team's effort after we won. The culprit, I never thought, was capitalism.

Vijay Mallya owns the Royal Challengers Bangalore cricket team. He wanted a winning team. He had a lot of money. He thought he would go out and buy as many established foreign and Indian players as the salary cap would allow him to do. In doing so, he screwed around with the local players that were already playing in the RCB team in the first 3 seasons. Not that they were bad. RCB in fact ended up as runners up last season. But, he did it to do this so that he could be certain his team will not have a problem with talent and experience. Did he do anything wrong in doing this? A capitalist would say, "Of course not. How else would YOU run YOUR business?"

Here is my problem. IPL was in theory about getting the local talent to play in a sensationalized version of Cricket, see if they can perform, see if they can be selected into the national team etc. Cricket was, if not central, an important theme in the bigger scheme of things in IPL. Or so I thought.

I completely think that this is not true anymore. Its all about cheerleaders, celebrity owners, lots of black money, scandals and my favorite from Pooja - lots of drunken men falling on women while walking out of the stadium. I do not honestly think people come to the stadiums for the game either. They just want to see a lot of drama on the ground - sixes, hat tricks etc. They are spending a lot on merchandise in turn helping RCB build its brand and franchise. However, this has got nothing to do with helping the local talent do better. None of this money is going into making the infrastructure of local academies better. Its purely a privately held firm that is working for its gains.

I am thoroughly disappointed at this. Of course, I am complaining about RCB more from a philosophical stand point. I am sure no one - RCB owners, players or the fans, give a damn as long as everyone get their money's worth. I am not sure if I would ever go to an RCB match again just because its RCB.

If you really have to go

2011-04-17T00:54:00.001+05:30

If you are on Vittal Mallya road on a 2 wheeler and really have to pee, what would you do? As any Bangalore male with self respect, I instinctively started thinking of an open area/wall where I could pee. The first and the only place that came to my mind was Cubbon Park. However, there are multiple reasons why you cannot pee in Cubbon park.

You cannot trust anyone these days - Gone are the days when adult males would stop their scooters/mopeds without turn turning them off, go to the wall adjacent to the road and pee in peace. That (supposedly funny) cliched movie scene in almost every Indian language in the climax where the hero steals one such scooter is not so unimaginable anymore. Of course, the chain of larceny that follows is still, luckily, bullshit.
Cops hide in random places - Ever since that new commissioner dude made the rule that cops cannot stop anyone who has not broken a law, cops have started hiding in the weirdest of places. Now, they are not only hunting for offending drivers, but also for unsuspecting couples with no money to go to a hotel for the night, unemployed/lazy people who cannot think of a better place to sleep than the park, Vataal Nagraj supporters and sometimes, people who are half done peeing. In the event that you get caught, however, do not pay more than 50 bucks. That is the standard bribe rate for most petty offences. Also, do not forget to say "Saar, student saar. Please saar" irrespective of how old you are.
Dogs have a tendency to bite - There aren't that many dogs in Cubbon park, but I have seen an odd dog here and there behaving, well, odd. And of course, snakes bite too and there are plenty of them in the park. But, I would say, be more careful of the dogs. Snakes bite you, you die. Dogs bite you, you take a lot of painful injections and not die.
It gets windy sometimes - Most men who have been to windy places can tell their experience about peeing there. Its not fun if you are not into having pee all over your legs. Murphy likes playing cruel jokes as well. Things would be completely calm and still and the moment you start, so does he and the wind blows right into you. Its not fun.
People apparently care - Last but not the least, there are people who apparently do not approve of this right of men being able pee anywhere in public. They, apparently, also have a habit of hanging around in Cubbon Park protesting one thing or the other. They as well tend to work with the hiding cops sometimes. Only, they do not get a cut in the (hopefully) 50 bucks. Sad bunch really, but pretty dangerous. They sweat these simple things.

Anyway, given these constraints and the fact that there was no other option within 3 KM range, I went to Mocha, ordered a coffee and used their restroom.

Now, why was I there on Vittal Mallya Road and what happened in Mocha is a different post. The question Why did I want to pee might come up in the more curious reader. The curious reader might want to try out drinking 2 liters of water just before leaving her house.

PS: 12.34% of people who read this blog actually thought I pee against trees and walls in the city whenever I get a chance

Lets take a trip

2011-04-03T23:18:00.000+05:30

It had been a long time since I had been to a wildlife sanctuary. 5 years to be exact. When I was in college, I typically went to one at least once every 6 months. Ever since I started working disappearing into forests without knowing how long we would be gone for is, well, a luxury that I couldn't afford.

Recently I ended up going to Kudremukh and Bhadra with her. I was there only for a couple of days. An outside observer who listens to the incidents on the trip would call it a disaster. But we had a lot of fun. We sat in a reclining chair and read for most part of the trip (or were driving which was a little tiring), listening to hundreds of birds making their distinctive calls. We could identify a few, others we decided were birds which were just being boisterous and having a hell of a time during that warm March daylight.

This trip made me realize how much I missed the starlit sky of a western ghats forest, the myriads of sounds one hears in a forest, how exciting it is to investigate things that seems out of the ordinary or how it feels to not have any artificial ambient noise. When was the last time you experienced all these and more? My last time had been a little too long ago. I am hoping my next trip would be sooner.

How do you feel after marriage?

2011-02-27T00:56:00.000+05:30

People have stopped asking me how I feel now that I am married. I guess they think, "Oh the poor bastid has been married for 16 months (hit that mark yesterday) now. I am sure he has made his peace with it by now". Funnily enough, I think only now, I am starting to feel like I am married. Finally sinking in, that supposedly scary fact that. Not that its a bad thing. OK, let me explain.

When you are going out with someone and not living in with that person, you will have to plan doing things together. When you are married, you pretty much can do things with a lot less advanced notice. You can plan to do more things than you would normally do. You have someone staying with you most of the times (note: this is not as bad as it sounds) because of which there is one person who has a very good context of what the heck is going on with your life. Its easier to talk, crib, bitch, admire, randomly talk about most things with this person.

I think marriage on the whole is a net positive thing and people should try giving it a shot. Irrespective of what happens, you will find it to be an experience!

Back to my original point on how people do not ask me that question anymore. Instead of a fake smile, canned answer and felling annoyed within, I would be able to give a lot more thought out answer which is at least some what insightful and meaningful. Or may be that's why they don't anymore. Hmmm.

Annoying book lovers

2010-12-12T16:24:00.000+05:30

I want to you sit back, close your eyes and imagine.

Imagine that you are madly in love with a book. You have read it so many times that you know every single line of the book. You complete every dialogue of every character in the book. You are madly in love with either the protagonist or the antagonist of the book - whatever turns you on mate. In fact, you are 98% sure that the book is the reality. You just need someone to come along and spend less than 4.33 seconds to convince you to leave everything and go in search of the one you love.

Now imagine this book is made into a movie and you decide to watch this.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANNOYING YOU CAN BE? You laugh at the silliest of things, get scared at, again, silliest of things, critique every single scene as to how the book is better and heave every time your favorite character comes on screen and do it all oblivious to who is sitting next to you.

I hate you.

This happened to me when I went to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow Part 1. There was this girl who sat next to me who was, if possible, more than what I asked you to imagine. I have not read any of the books. I just watch the movies because of Hermo.., I mean Harry Potter. Luckily the theater was relatively empty and we went as far away as possible from that crazy person.

Me & Her

2010-12-12T16:06:00.000+05:30

Yet another day in the life of Mr & Mrs Me.

M: Can you please make me some coffee?
H: Or we can just go out.
M: Oh, OK. I thought you can make me some nice coffee. That's fine, lets go out.
H: OK. I will get ready.
M: Wait, this is strange. You are never like this. Reverse psychology always works with you.
H: Ha! OK. Chuck it. I will make some coffee and then we can go out.
M: OK. Cool.
H: Damn it, now I tried reverse psychology. Something is wrong with both of us today.

Problem of abundance

2010-10-11T09:04:00.002+05:30

As it is, Bangalore roads have massive issues – be it crazy traffic or crazy dogs, crazy auto drivers or crazy begging eunuchs who sometimes get very touchy about not being given money. Literally. Now, I have no idea why I should pay a eunuch. What do they lack that I need to pay them money for? Or is it a religious or a superstitious thing that I am thankfully not aware of?

Yet, the government (I am not even sure if this comes under the center or the state which clearly shows how it does not matter) seems to find ways to pose new challenges to the already dumb, road raged drivers. This time in the form of 6 lanes! Yes, 6 freaking lanes! What do they expect - that we’ll all of a sudden get our acts together, follow lane discipline, not honk, don’t drink and drive, live and let live and be happily ever after? Don’t they know us _at all_? I feel cheated from this presumptuous act. I never thought they would put us through the horrifying experience of too many lanes in Bangalore. EVER.

The road I am talking about is the newly constructed segment of NH4 from Yeshwanthpur to Nelamangala. It’s awesome and we don’t deserve it. Drive there once and you will see why. Sad.

To die or not to die

2010-10-08T18:56:00.003+05:30

I saw Anjana Anjani a few days back. The movie has committing suicide as a main theme in it. Among other things. That reminded me of one of the many TGIF conversations I had with Hakan.

The general consensus of that discussion was we would prefer joining a Tibetan monastery as a monk to committing suicide. Being dead is, well, kind of limiting! Don't you folk agree?

I had been quiet

2010-09-24T18:21:00.006+05:30

Have you ever tried playing some game like Wrestling, Basketball, Badminton, pillow fight etc after a long time? You will realize that:

1) Everything is working out perfectly for whatever freaky statistical reasons and
2) You can count the exact number of muscles you have (left) in your body the next day.

Not writing a blog in a long time is exactly like that. It leaves you sitting idle in front of your "New post" window wondering what is it that you actually wanted to write but somehow end up writing something and finally feel tired. You also tend to look back at the 100 odd posts that you have done so far and go "How the hell did I manage to come up with so much non-sense??"

Pooja and a bunch of you have asked me more than once why have I stopped blogging. I crack a cliched joke about being married and having no time to write. Actually, that is only partially true. I like noticing little things and then try and put them into words that well, may not be profound, but is still pleasant to read. Of late, I have not been able to notice these little things that I used to get amused about. I still think once I notice them, I can pen them, well, key them , down, but the actual noticing bit is not happening.

Lets see where I go from here.

One year and a little more!

2009-12-18T10:24:00.005+05:30

Just more than an year ago was when I stopped living in Bangalore. It was supposed to be a 2 month gig out of India. I was supposed to go to Beijing. After an year, I am in San Francisco following where Cruise goes. Being a strict vegetarian and what not, I was not sure how I would cope up with it. Actually, not as much that, I was not sure how I would cope up with living alone. I guess I have survived it somewhat OK. What with almost dying with no money and crazy diseases? There were ups and downs, lots of ups in fact and steep downs as well. Of course, now I am married and have someone to clean up my mess. Literally.

There are a lot of things that I remember about staying in Beijing and now in San Francisco but one of the most interesting (Interesting is an interesting word, it being subjective definitely makes it very interesting. Don't agree? See?) memory is that of coming out of the plane in Beijing for the first time. I had totally underestimated -10 degrees. I was wearing a puny cap and gloves with a lot of holes in the "wool". I almost froze to death in fact. Then, I had to get to the baggage claim but had no idea where it was because guess what, everything was in Chinese! I tried asking around, but no one knew English well enough to help me get to the baggage area. Not that I did not know that language would be a problem, but it hit me like a generously rolled up snow ball accurately aimed at my groin. I had this brilliant plan of remembering someone's face in the plane and then see where that person goes but it failed miserably because to my untrained eyes, all Chinese looked the same! I finally managed to get to the right conveyor and got my luggage and got to the taxi which was outside the heated area majorly adding to my utter discomfort.

Thoughtworks China is brilliant. Based on a lot of feedback from all the expats staying there before me, they have this thing called welcome kit which basically has "Take me to my home" and "Take me to my office" written in Chinese and English along with the address which I could use to show people or taxis if I get lost. It also had an "Insider's guide to Beijing" which is essentially an expat's Bible and the most important of all, a phone so that I can call home! I finished talking on phone to my then girl friend now wife, my then and now parents and brother. And I looked around only to find...

Bare trees. There were hundreds and hundreds of trees for the next 25kms from the airport through the 6th to the 3rd ring road and they were all as bare as Penelope Cruz's breasts in Elegy. It was 4 in the afternoon, nearing sunset and very gloomy. It was -10 outside but no sign of snow as there was essentially no moisture whatsoever in the air. It was essentially depressing. I reached my apartment complex (I am in love with that place now) but the taxi driver (who I befriended quiet well by the time I left there) left me in the basement of my building. He just took out all my luggage, told me something in what now sounds courteous Mandarin and left. Here was the problem - the basement was insanely dark and had these lights which turn on when you walk in front of it and off when you move away. I essentially did not know where the entrance to the building was and once inside how to get to the eight floor. I spent a good 6 minutes, almost panicking by that time, before I finally figured out where the hell was the lift. I entered the lift and made my way to the most depressing apartment ever. It was ill light, there were no neighbors, there was no internet and only Chinese channels on the TV. I just knew within an hour and half in Beijing that this was the biggest mistake of my life.

Now, come to think of it, that was one of the best decisions I made. I still have loads to write, more experiences and incidents than about travel. Hopefully, will get to jot them down. All that said, Bangalore is where home is. I am coming back by the end of February. Looking forward to catch up with my life there again.

Post engagement woes

2009-10-11T18:07:00.004+05:30

Pretty much everyone I know have been asking me how I feel about getting married. To the ones I am not close to, I lie saying I am feeling scared and weird. Ones that I am close to, well, I tell them the truth. I tell them that I actually am not feeling anything at all. I think after 3 months or so, one fine Saturday morning, I will wake up in cold sweat realizing that I am married. Or may be I wont. But as of now I am pretty numb. Pooja, on the other hand, not only gets questions but also advice. She gets pretty annoyed (I pretty much copied her title). I think both of us will be relaxed and back to normal once the event is over.

Also, never get into the mess of getting involved in planning a wedding from a different continent. Its very inefficient and frustrating, like working in a waterfall project for a big organization. I am sitting in the Hong Kong transit and pondering as to how much work I have left to do. If you want to console me with a bachelor's party, I will be more than happy. Go ahead, plan one.

Food Scene

2009-08-31T10:58:00.003+05:30

So, I was living in China for 8 months and now in SF. Being a vegetarian, I had to cook bloody everyday to survive in China. SF is a different ball game. Pretty much every restaurant here has at least one vegetarian and one vegan option. Unlike other parts of the US, vegetarian doesn't mean just cheese between bread here. Its pretty healthy. People here are very health conscious as well. Anyway, I don't feel like a single working mother taking care of myself now. I just feel like a working "bachelor" again.

So, now that I don't _need_ to cook for survival, I go easy on what I cook. I experiment. I even went to the extent of letting Raghu, my colleague, cook today. Not that I knew if he was good or not. But, generally, I was prejudiced against him (I am old now. I don't beat around the bush anymore about these things. If I am prejudiced against/about something I say so) and hence hadn't let him cook. But today, he convinced me that I don't need to work and that I can relax and do the dishes! I had a momentary lack of control and before I know, Raghu was in control of the kitchen.

He asked me to cut spinach, onion, 3 different varieties of salad leaves, coriander, curry leaves, some carrots and green chillies. He boiled Moong daal in an oven. He fried some sprouted fenugreek seeds, mustard, chillies and asafoetida in a generous amount of vegetable oil. I had a feeling he also had something to do with a lot of cummin seeds and powdered coconut. Somehow, the very acetic smell that was coming from the pan was not reassuring. When the dal just wouldn't become soft in the oven, not before all the water in the bowl had overflown onto the glass plate (which apparently is the expected behavior. Software engineers never learn how to speak normally), the whole of the said contents were transferred into a big, evil looking vessel and copious amounts of water was added. All this was followed by the official covering of the lid and the infamous, "There is nothing left in our hands now" sigh. The fact that both of us were now talking to our girl friends over long distance calls helped only a little in getting the cooking done. He hurled statements like "All this smoke (aka steam) is not letting me see inside to figure out what's happening", "I will add lemon. It will definitely help" and "You add the salt" which did not do much to improve my confidence in the whole fiasco. Even by Indian standards, 3 PM was pretty late and I was hungry. Within 5 minutes, Raghu called it and pronounced the dish to be complete. And then, I took the bold step of taking the first serving...

It was fucking awesome. I have no idea how he managed to pull it off, but he is apparently pretty famous in Thoughtworks for his daal. The confused statements and requests for random ingredients are all to mislead the partner to increase the overall experience of the daal. This succeeds so well that you actually start imagining the daal to be more good than it may actually have been. Also, the careful planning of cooking late and making his friends very hungry never fails as well. All in all, it was a good eating experience today.

We were thinking of cooking some new food. Random cuisine. Lets see how well can we do it. Suggestions are most welcome.

I am back, I guess

2009-08-25T12:05:00.004+05:30

I guess blogging is about discipline just like most other things in life. Sad but true. Most people who know me knows that I can't be the least disciplined about the conventional things, say, formal attire for a formal event, not reaching out for food from others' plates, treating my clothes properly in my room, to say the least. These things are, well, you know, so, useless. Then there is sticking to deadlines and being on time. This is I take are pretty annoying to people, but most people know that Indian Standard Time is an addend of an hour and a half anyway. Anyway (used twice in a row for an "not quiet clear what but I am sure it wont be bad" effect) now that I have established without any hard evidence that I am undisciplined which is not that hard to believe though, I will get to where the heck did I disappear.

I got engaged. To a girl. To the girl even. I went from Beijing to Bangalore to Beijing to Bangalore to San Francisco in a span of 5 weeks. And I got engaged while this was going on. I was on a 15 hour a day customer support for 3 weeks which ended up being the biggest deal for our product so far. Yes, we were supporting before they had actually paid. I have packed and unpacked a lot in general. What little time I have been getting, I have been spending it between home, girl friend, friends, movies and hackery. Its been crazy hectic but its one of those nice hectics. The one after which you are happy that the phase is over, but you have no regrets whatsoever. In fact you are happy you went through it.

This being a come back blog, should traditionally be without any interesting things at all and one can basically ignore it, much like the rest of my blogs I am afraid. But, since I am not happy that one will ignore this blog, much like the rest of my blogs, I will add something almost but not entirely useless.

I have had more than one friend tell me that home is not just the house you own/live in. It is a bigger concept. The shops, people, annoying dog next door, kids playing in your street, the freaking annoying traffic jams, the rains, the summer, the power cuts, fighting to get cinema tickets or a parking space and many more. They all add to what is home. Comfort zone I guess. You of all the people, my dear reader, of course know this in theory. You might have read enough books, watched enough movies even had enough friends who have left home to do whatever it is that they are doing wherever you have met them tell you the same. But, its not until that you have experienced yourself that you realise what is home. The feeling you get when you do go back home, let me tell you, is something that you have to experience. No amount of theory is enough to make you understand how good it feels.

It will be a while till I come back home, but Bangalore is definitely where home is.

Quick Suggestion

2009-05-13T09:57:00.003+05:30

I have a proposal to the Kannada, rather, all Indian movie makers. I watched about 4 movies now and all of them waste about 2 hours to show how the hero and heroin fight and then fall in love. EVERY GODDAMN MOVIE. So, please, spare me the horror of sitting through the same damn thing and lets just get to the point of the movie. That's right - THE POINT OF THE MOVIE. Oh wait, YOU IDIOTS DON'T HAVE A POINT!

Well, being a confirmed bad movie addict, I have a need to watch Kannada, rather, all Indian movies. So, please cut me some slack. Pretty please?

I am sure in about 2o years, I will look back at this and go, "Well, it was worth a try".

Missing Elections

2009-04-22T13:17:00.003+05:30

I am very sad I am missing the elections this time. On the bright side, I can blame an estimated 69,99,99,999 voters if, rather when, something goes wrong. HA!

Idiots

2009-04-20T08:33:00.004+05:30

I am so fucking glad I was not in PESIT. I mean, seriously, look at this! I am a fucking grownup when I am in engineering. Treat me like one ass holes.

The Law that no one talks about

2009-04-09T17:53:00.005+05:30

I don't know about you, but I follow this unstated rule while using the Gent's room. I have seen a lot of other guys follow it as well. Its as if we have an unwritten understanding of the "Least distance of distinct urinal" rule. It goes, "You always choose a slot such that you are at a maximum distance from all the people who are currently using the urinals and any new person that comes in can choose a slot which is at a maximum possible distance from everyone else."

So, basically, if you have 3 urinals and all are empty, you choose the one on either end and not the one in the middle so that the person that comes next can choose the one at the other end. Similarly, if there are 5 urinals and 2 people, chances are that they know the rule and are at opposite ends already and you choose the one in the middle. Even if they don't know the rule, there are always legal slots that are optimized for given the situation. However, its a big problem with even number of urinals. That's when you face one of the most difficult philosophical questions of our era - "Do I go next to the guy who is humming softly or the guy who is wiggling a little?". It is a hard one really and there is no "Do I go next to the guy who is humming softly or the guy who is wiggling a little? for Dummies" book that has an easy answer to this. Every time you have to take that call and every time you have to repent your decision. This is what we go through. Seriously, these folks should cut us some slack!

Anyway, a really annoying thing is when you know the rule and some one comes in and starts unzipping right next to you even though there are a lot of legal slots. Its as if time slows down and everything is happening in slow motion. You think you are going on forever, as if you have had 2 liters of water, a coffee, a diet coke, some orange juice and green tea in a span of an hour (you are pair programming basically). The sound of the zipper feels a loud, prolonged, shrill shriek on your ears, physically hurting them. Soon enough, the pain becomes so unbearable that you go numb. You don't feel anything, even the fact that you are done or that you are being billed by the hour. You just stay there paralyzed. Annoying and painful.

And oh, you guessed it right. There is a formula that calculates the discomfort experienced by a person who knows the rule and the next person coming in breaks it. Its "The amount of discomfort caused when the rule is broken is directly proportional to the number of legal slots that were ignored and indirectly proportional to the square of the distance between the given slot and the newly occupied slot". The constant of proportion is called "Yuri's constant", named after the famous, "Yuri Gotta-go-ri". He was very infamous for his strange bladder condition (he had to go once every 15 minutes for 45 seconds while humming softly and wiggling a little) and was inspired by the not so famous Kannada poet B L Lakshman Rao.

Anyway, now you know how to annoy the hell out of someone you don't like and who you know knows the rule. Be warned. I don't mind biting you if you break the rule with me.

Quick Question

2009-04-09T15:35:00.001+05:30

What do you do when you realize someone you are related to, like your father, reads your blogs? Do you feel strange at all?

Pavan the thief

2009-04-03T20:12:00.002+05:30

So, when you are in a country where you don't speak the language and not know the culture, it is very hard to understand what's going on around you. But, over time you feel confident enough to make simple assumptions as to what's going on and try to pitch in. Especially, when you understand the odd word here and there, you think you know what's going on. Boy, can you be more wrong.

We went out for team lunch to the same place from where I order lunch everyday. Going to the place itself is nicer. Like most of the restaurants in Beijing, the place is filled with people who smoke and yell at the top of their voice "Fú wù yuán" which means "Waiter". This is completely accepted and in fact, the waiter attends to the one who shouts the loudest. So, its like an yelling competition which is so tempting that you do not want to be left out. Anyway, we finished our lunch and everyone left while I was still collecting my coat and drinking water (read forging for the remaining pickled peanuts). I wear my coat, which was under this head resting silk cloth, the kind that they put on fancy chairs to avoid stain from dirty heads, one of those. They apparently think putting a coat on a chair reduces the aesthetic value of the noisy smoke filled, its allowed to smoke in public here, restaurant that smells of pork, fish and a myriad of other dead animals. So they just remove the cover, put your coat there and then put the cover over it. I just thought "Hmm. Weird" to myself while munching on my, oh, drinking water and pulled it out, put on my coat and started to leave. When this "fú wù yuán" came running and said, while smiling, something with an animated body language. I had no clue what she meant, but like a jack ass, went "shá ma" (what)? . Then, she repeated the same words very fast thinking I actually understand what she is saying. I just assumed that she was asking me if I liked the food, gave her a thumbs up, said "zài jiàn" (Goodbye) and left. She was confused, but finally said "zài jiàn" herself. I happily walked back to office having a good time in general and reached back the table and removed my coat when...

An yellow silk table cloth fell down my coat. Here was the problem. There was an extra one of those things that was stuck in my coat and the waitress was trying to tell me to hand it back or she will call the security. When I said "What", she said that I really don't want to be stealing in daylight, especially when China and India doesn't have a good relationship and things can turn ugly. Also, that Chinese prisons are not a nice place to be in and that she was sure I am not here to visit them. Finally, if I leave the table cloth as is, she will not report it but then, I could never go there again. Ever. All with a smiling face. At least, I am convinced now that this was what she said.

Anyway, I did get it back with me and now, it sits on a chair, the chair of dishonesty (going by the theme of Forbidden City) which no one uses. We are planning to decorate the chair further. May be I can pull it once more. May be.

Breakups

2009-03-16T17:24:00.003+05:30

One of the second toughest thing a person goes through in life is a breakup or heart break. One of the toughest, however, is going through your best friend's breakup. Now that, let me tell you, is a real big bummer.

When its your breakup, you are allowed to make mistakes, to do stupid things, to not be responsible or responsive. You are, but of course, depressed and heart broken. But if your best friend is going through a break up, then you have no excuses. You have to make sure that your friend is not smoking a lot, not drinking herself to death, not doing drugs or if was doing has not stopped, doesn't take sleeping tablets to sleep, doesn't binge nor fast, doesn't hit on random people - men or women, to get back at the bitch who broke her heart. No sir, you can't let your guard down. The worst part is not to get ticked off when you try to make the guy look bad by telling her how pathetic he was and be yelled at because you are judging him. Oh, how could I forget - Make sure your friend goes to work, not picks up fight on the road or the mall, make sure she goes out on to the road or the mall in the first place, skip work with a very short notice and sit at home with her, keep talking to her once every 4 hours (frequency depending on how crazy she was about him) and in most of the cases, not let her parents or any others know that she is going through all these and cover up. You basically have no room for mistakes else something bad would happen about which you would feel guilty for the rest your life.

Trust me, your best friend's breakup is the most demanding phase of your life. It doesn't happen because of your friend's sin. Its your sins, my fellow reader, that cause your friend to breakup. You are responsible for it.

Spring - Finally

2009-03-16T17:19:00.003+05:30

Going from -4 deg centigrade to 20 deg centigrade in 3 days is awesome. Awesome enough to motivate one to go to the Great Wall. Also, to randomly roam around, looking at shops one'd never seen before and shopping in them. I feel courageous enough to go out on foot. Spring. Finally. Yay!

All Chinese are Buddhists-a?

2009-02-15T12:05:00.005+05:30

People ask me a lot of questions about China - standard of living, religion, lifestyle, culture - so many things. What most people don't know, I think, is that China is huge. I mean HUGE. Its like asking someone from Finland staying in New Delhi for a couple of months about intricacies of India. I am not sure how representative is it of the whole of India. Anyway, I cannot say this as an answer to almost any of my uncles or aunts. So, I say - "Vegetarian food very difficult Aunty. No Uncle, they don't speak a word of English. I know Uncle, they are not better than even our villagers. Yes Aunty, I get Indian groceries there and I cook, though very difficult Aunty. Yeah Aunty, everyone is a Buddhist there. Yeah Aunty, they are all communists. I am not sure if they are arrested for it Uncle, I mean, they don't look like naxalites." and so on. To be honest, I am not sure I know the right answers to any of these questions! I just answer them based on my mood! Tricky and annoying.

Note to self: Start compiling a "Book of myths on China".

Self Destruction = Balls

2009-02-15T11:37:00.004+05:30

I am not sure about you, but me, I really cannot understand how people can go on a spree of self destruction. What convinces them that hurting themselves is the answer, better yet, the solution? What in the world makes them delirious enough to believe that immersing themselves in an ocean of self-pity and feeling a self-imposed helplessness is good? Actually what they need is this.

I am sure you you know what I am talking about. You know - cutting veins, drinking to death, smoking up to glory (or not), killing people, kicking cats, voting for BJP/Congress/CPI/JDS/{$any_freaking_party}, inventing Scientology etc.

The Law that no one talks about

2009-02-03T15:54:00.007+05:30

I am not sure about you, but I follow an unspoken, implicit rule in public Gents' room. I have noticed that a lot of other guys follow the same rule as well. Its like we all have a shared understanding of the "Least distance of distinct urinal" rule. So, the rule is, you always choose an urinal such that you are at a maximum distance from all people peeing and the next person who comes in can choose one that is furthest away from everyone else.

For example, if there are 3 urinals and all 3 are free, you never choose the one in the middle. Either one on the ends are cool because if a second guy walks in, he would choose the one on the other end. That way, you have the maximum distance between you. Similarly, with 5 urinals, 2 people, chances are they are at either ends and you would go to the one in the middle. Even when they don't know the rule, you can still find a legal place. Its the even number of urinals that are tricky and pose one of the most difficult philosophical questions of our era - "Do I pee next to the guy who is humming softly or the guy who is wiggling a little?" Its always a judgment call and there is no "Do I pee next to the guy who is humming softly or the guy who is wiggling a little? for Dummies" book that gives you an answer for this. Every time you have to make that call and every time you have to repent. This is what we go through. These folks should cut us some slack.

Knowing this rule, one of the most uncomfortable feeling ever is when someone comes and unzips right next to you even though there are a lot of legal slots available. Its as if time has stretched and it seems like everything is happening in slow motion. You seem to be taking for ever to finish, as if you have had 3 liters of water, a coffee, a diet coke, some orange juice and green tea (an hour of pair programming basically). The sound of the zipper appears to be like a loud, elongated screech with a high pitch causing actual physical discomfort. From there on, the intensity of the pain becomes so much that you don't feel anything anymore. Not even the fact that you are done or that you are billed by the hour. You just feel numb, weak and abused.

And oh, you guessed it right. There is a law which governs the discomfort faced by a person who knows the rule but the next guy coming in breaks it. "The amount of discomfort faced when someone breaks the rule is proportional to the number of legal slots ignored and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between your slot and the newly occupied one". The constant of proportion is called "Yuri's constant" after the famous "Yuri Gotto-go-ri" who had a severely abnormal bladder and had to go every 15 minutes and was inspired by B R Lakshman Rao.

So, now you know how to annoy the hell out of someone you dislike and who you know for a fact knows the rule. Be warned I am ready to bite if you break it with me.