The Law that no one talks about

I am not sure about you, but I follow an unspoken, implicit rule in public Gents' room. I have noticed that a lot of other guys follow the same rule as well. Its like we all have a shared understanding of the "Least distance of distinct urinal" rule. So, the rule is, you always choose an urinal such that you are at a maximum distance from all people peeing and the next person who comes in can choose one that is furthest away from everyone else.

For example, if there are 3 urinals and all 3 are free, you never choose the one in the middle. Either one on the ends are cool because if a second guy walks in, he would choose the one on the other end. That way, you have the maximum distance between you. Similarly, with 5 urinals, 2 people, chances are they are at either ends and you would go to the one in the middle. Even when they don't know the rule, you can still find a legal place. Its the even number of urinals that are tricky and pose one of the most difficult philosophical questions of our era - "Do I pee next to the guy who is humming softly or the guy who is wiggling a little?" Its always a judgment call and there is no "Do I pee next to the guy who is humming softly or the guy who is wiggling a little? for Dummies" book that gives you an answer for this. Every time you have to make that call and every time you have to repent. This is what we go through. These folks should cut us some slack.

Knowing this rule, one of the most uncomfortable feeling ever is when someone comes and unzips right next to you even though there are a lot of legal slots available. Its as if time has stretched and it seems like everything is happening in slow motion. You seem to be taking for ever to finish, as if you have had 3 liters of water, a coffee, a diet coke, some orange juice and green tea (an hour of pair programming basically). The sound of the zipper appears to be like a loud, elongated screech with a high pitch causing actual physical discomfort. From there on, the intensity of the pain becomes so much that you don't feel anything anymore. Not even the fact that you are done or that you are billed by the hour. You just feel numb, weak and abused.

And oh, you guessed it right. There is a law which governs the discomfort faced by a person who knows the rule but the next guy coming in breaks it. "The amount of discomfort faced when someone breaks the rule is proportional to the number of legal slots ignored and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between your slot and the newly occupied one". The constant of proportion is called "Yuri's constant" after the famous "Yuri Gotto-go-ri" who had a severely abnormal bladder and had to go every 15 minutes and was inspired by B R Lakshman Rao.

So, now you know how to annoy the hell out of someone you dislike and who you know for a fact knows the rule. Be warned I am ready to bite if you break it with me.