Pavan the Crap Watcher

I went to the movie De Taali last. Or something like that. I have become a habitual "Crap Watcher". Yes. My name is Pavan and I watch Crap in theaters.

Sometime back I watched Muthsanje Maathu. It was, to say the least, CRAP.

Last month, I decided to go to a movie. To cut a long story short, I ended up buying a ticket to Tashan. Guess what? It was CRAP.

I don't have an inherent aversion towards Hindi movies. I am not prejudiced against them. I just think they are all cliched and pathetic. See? I am not even hard on them. Tashan was, OK let me think, a total PISS OFF! It was really really bad. It was so bad that it would make Sanjaya sound good. It was so bad that it would want to make you seek out a skunk to smell something fresh. It was so bad that you would rather listen to your Uncle Ramdev's "travel experiences".

Tashan was something like this. There is this dude who teaches English and works for a call center. When the fuck does he sleep? That aside, he decides to teach this mafia lord as well. All fine. Shit loads of useless songs and fight sequences later, enters Akshay Kumar. He is from the banks of Ganga - which means he can pretty much do anything. He can fly, dodge bullets, eat shit, hump rabid dogs and yeah, can also talk with a straight face to Kareena Kapoor who, Kareena not the rabid dog humper, wears a bikini in one of the useless songs. Then, after a painfully long wait, about 8766 minutes later I think, comes the last fight. By now, you are wishing to hear some Vogon poetry instead or eat your own kidneys and hope to die from blood poisoning or something. Now, this is the best thing ever, the fight is. It is so pathetic that it is actually hilarious. The director actually means it to be a serious fight sequence. Saif Ali Khan is incinerated with an Acetone Flame thrower. The mafia lord is trying to kill Kareena with, take a guess, water from a hose. So, there she is, Kareena in a wet shirt and "trying" to escape by bending over a lot in front of the camera and off comes Saif from fiery death on a freaking jet boat in a ditch of some sort inside the mafia dude's lair. Yes. He comes ON A freaking JET SKI riding in a DITCH! And from then on, it was ROFL funny. Actually, I still felt like selling my, rather the director's, liver to make up for my lost money and time but it managed to cross the lower threshold. (The lower threshold is that phase below which something becomes so outrageously pathetic that you stop taking it seriously. That's why you, the sane and normal person, find numerology funny.) That was Tashan.

Muthsanje Maathu was, well come to think of it, it wasn't. The movie was just wasn't there. Rather there was no story, screen play, direction, action or acting. However there seemed to be shit loads of songs and heroin's clothes. Heroin hears hero sing in a train and misses meeting him. She listens to the song once in a while on a radio. She is in love with him. Or not. Will she ever get to meet him? Especially before the movie ends? She ends up meeting him 10 full minutes before interval! So, thought we, at least 2 people are going to die towards the end of the movie and because of lack of an antagonist in the movie we thought it was going to be someone important. Turns out, after 80 more minutes of optimistic hoping that someone would get cancer, AIDS, bleeder's disease or at least bird flu, we realized that we were way too close to the movie to be finished. Nothing had changed yet. It now had to be a hideous accident of the ugliest sorts that wipes out the hero and the heroin with her well covered body. Turns out the point of the movie was that nothing good ever happens in this world. So, the hero and heroin actually end up marrying each other and just live. To think of the fact that there weren't even some serial murderers just fills me up with disgust. Yuck.

De Taali was OK. It was mediocre. But to go to a theater and watch it would sort of make you feel you wasted your Sunday morning to watch that crap.

So, there it goes. These and a whole lot of other movies I have watched and am much embarrassed to talk about just leads me to conclude that I truly am Pavan the Crap Watcher! Alas!